Dreams and False Starts

I called up my friend Lonnie two weeks ago to see where she was on the budget cuts and the possibility we could lose our jobs.  She was all off tangent.

“I just had a dream about you last night!” she gushed.  “You were pregnant and you were glowing; you looked so beautiful.  Are you pregnant yet?”

I laughed.  No, I’m not pregnant.  I thought I was, but it turns out I wasn’t.  I went to see my doctor who said he thought I was a few pounds overweight and told me to lose it but although I’m 40 he didn’t see why I should have problems conceiving.   Was I trying?  No, not intentionally, not really.  Then try and after a few months of trying then come back and see him.  And lose weight, he re-emphasized.

Lonnie is definite in her dreams, though, and believes it’s an omen of things to come.  I’m to call her as soon as I know.  She hopes it’s a girl, she has two boys who are half black, half South American Indian.  One of us needs to have a girl baby.

I have to admit I am afraid.  It’s been almost 20 years since I’ve given birth; to do it again would be like doing it for the first time.  Cricket is almost 20 which is exactly the age I was when I conceived her.  It’s just going to be weird to have one child the age I was when I was pregnant with her as I’m trying to have another child.  Its like being an elephant.  Or Michelle Duggar.

And J2 is 15.  He’s still at home and in high school.  I don’t know how he will feel about it and I have to sit down with him to make sure there won’t be any feelings of jealousy or feeling left out. 

So I ask myself againk do I really want to do this?

Hmmmmm….

Yes.  But I have to admit that I would rather be 40 with a toddler instead of the projected 41 with newborn.

As for J he doesn’t understand why my age is factoring into it in the first place.  He wants to have a child but would rather push it off for 2 or 3 more years.  Didn’t I say before the man was meecheenan?

So I will write about how this process is going, the good and the bad of it.  I will keep my fingers crossed that there is more good than bad.  Hopefully sometime next year there will be a baby RenTec, but I’m not making any promises.

Especially not to Lonnie, but she probably dreamt that anyway.