“What Color Are You?”

I never struggled with questions of race and identity as a child. My father was black and mother Vietnamese and I was “mixed”. I didn’t feel rare, special, or exotic. I just *was*. And as far as I was concerned, I fit in with the rest of the kids and was accepted regardless of ethnicity. I was never “confused” as I heard other biracial kids on talk shows proclaim. I knew who I was and was proud! It was only as an adult did I lose myself. How could this be? Don’t people usually find themselves after being lost and not the other way around? I attribute this adult identity “crisis” to a loss of innocence and naivete.

While for the most part I can say I simply did not experience the prejudice that other mixed race children may have gone dealt with, I just was not aware of how different I really was and how I could not be stereotyped in the “traditional” way. I grew up having my Asian mother telling me I was black because my birth certificate said “Negro”. (In the seventies, the children still automatically inherited the paternal race.) And on the other hand, if I ever became unruly, Mom would remind me that I was not American since I came from her. You’d think that would have created a confused child, but that didn’t do it.

As I matured, that is when I started to question where I belonged and to which group did I belong. I went from checking the “Black/African-American” box when the instructions stated to “Check only one” to not knowing which box to check – black or Asian? Could I check both?, which is what I sometimes did. That decision later became a little easier with the introduction of the “Other” box, and now the “More than one race” or “Biracial/multiracial” options.

But aside what society, companies, and government agencies want to know for supposedly statistical purposes, I realized that I really could not easily fit with one group with ease. I discovered that I was too black to be Asian and too Asian to be black. What an awful feeling! I used to not care or think that I was a full-fledged member of either and all groups as a child of the 80s and early 90s! Now I felt that I was somewhat of an outcast entering the 21st century and the world so incredibly globalized!

At the end of the day, ironically, it does not really matter to me. I mean, sure, I still use labels and accept that some are artificial and are societal constructs meant to categorize and pigeonhole. But they are, for the most part, harmless, and most who utilize the terms have no ill intentions and are, like myself, lovers of world cultures and all things international. Call me black, call me Asian… Call me what you will! I think I have come to terms with I am who I am. My only regret is that I do not know enough about either culture to the extent that I would like to.

What is on my mind, however, is how my children will be perceived and how they will self-identify. Their father is 100% Asian and I joke that they are quadroons. When it is time to fill out forms for my daughters, I kind of hesitate on the race section. I do not know if I want to check multiracial or just Asian. I am confused enough for the both of them. I hope they will recognize all their heritages and that they will be able to appreciate what it makes them. But will their physical appearances dictate what they see themselves as or what the outside world sees? My oldest daughter is fair-skinned, with straight hair. She could probably pass as Asian or Hispanic. My youngest is darker and it is possible she will have wavy hair. Will looking similar yet different affect how they act and how they will see themselves? Sure, it should not matter, but we do not live in an ideal world…

Will my girls face the question, “What color are you?” If so, what will they answer? Will they be like me and join BSU and VSA (along with the two other ethnic student groups that make up their genes)? I think I will just tell them to choose whichever gets them a scholarship.