I said, “I think, maybe I will go to the Korean church tomorrow…”
J said, “Why?”
I said, “So I can talk to Pastor Park. Maybe he might know…” I stumble for words. “Maybe he can counsel me or know of a blasian child that is up for adoption.”
J said, “Ohhhh…” He was reflective for a moment, only a moment. Then he quickly changed gears, “Is it going to be a free baby?”
I said, “I don’t know. I don’t think we can get a “free baby”–”
J said, “Because I don’t want to pay 10,000 dollars for a baby.”
I said, “I don’t know if it’s that much? Is that how much they paid for you?”
J said, “I want a free baby. If he can find us a free baby, then you should talk to him.”
I look at J and roll my eyes. I was going to say, but you wanted to wait but decided it was not a fair line of discussion because what is done is done. Instead I said, “Babies aren’t free. You have to pay something.”
J said, “It’s like slavery, paying 10,000 dollars for a baby.” I wanted to remind him that going through South Korea it could cost at least 20,000. It could be more.
J said, “What if we were in Korea and some woman walked up to you and said, “I see you are American! Take my baby! You can give Ki-hua a good life in America!” He sounded like a Korean Mrs. Doubtfire. I was going to admonish him but he sounded so funny I had to laugh.
I said, “No woman is going to walk up to me in Korea and ask me to take their child.”
J said, “No, they’ll walk up to me because they will see I’m American.”
I said, “Is that right?”
J said,” Yeah, that’s right.”
I said,” Why wouldn’t they think you were just another Korean?”
J said,”Because I look American. And they’ll give us their child for free.”
Then J began to go off on a tangent, wondering how a person could get birth certificate for an imaginary free baby and why the price of adoption was so high.
I’m still wondering if this is the journey we should take. Adoption is not something to enter into lightly; there are pros and cons that I’ve been listing in my head. Pro: I can have a young one to love and raise; share my love of books and music. Con: just because I do all that it doesn’t guarantee love back. Pro: I have someone I can guide into adulthood. Con: I’m not passing on my genes, the child won’t be a visual reflection of me or J, nor an inheritor of our quirks and other personality traits. Pro: the child will be different from us and not have our issues. Con: the child may never see us as it’s true parents. Con: The child hates us for taking him/her away from their homeland. Con: The child never bonds to us.
I never thought about these problems when it came to having my daughter. I thought J did either when his son was born. There was no guarantee they’d love us, that they’d come out alright. That we could have a good relationship. But now with age I can see the nuances, especially with a phantom parent who could be across the sea; always impossibly perfect compared to the parent that is in person.
I said, “We should pray for guidance. If it’s to be it”ll happen.”
J said, “For a free child?”
I said,” Yeah, for free.”